Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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