He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
