My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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