I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
