Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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