When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just cut my nipple shaving
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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