Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
