I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
