im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
