I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
