best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
