I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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