Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
