not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
you traded sex for a burrito?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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