I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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