My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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