it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
