if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
