i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
