I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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