I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
