I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
