i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
