I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
