A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
