So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
