I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize