and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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