you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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