his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
