you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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