This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
