Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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