I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
