I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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