What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
