U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I am available for nakedness
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
