I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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