I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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