This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
