Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
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