Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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