As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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