god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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