yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
