Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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