I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
