Where is the hickey?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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