Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
