I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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